101 Dad Jokes That Are Funny
What Is A Dad Joke?
That’s a good question and it can be difficult to answer. You could say that you can’t define a dad joke but you know it when you hear it. But how can you tell if a joke is a dad joke or just a bad joke? Well, luckily there are some traits of a dad joke. They are typically good-natured, short, punny and done for the entertainment of himself and his family. The great thing about dad jokes is that it doesn’t matter if they’re funny. Isn’t that great? Groan-inducing and eye-rolling count too. Picture a dad telling a joke with a stupid grin on his face and his teenage daughter rolling her eyes then you’ve got a dad joke. Now, if his daughter laughs, well then dad hit a home run. He needs to file that away under dad jokes that are funny.
What’s The History Of Dad Jokes
There isn’t an agreed upon date or timeline of the first dad joke. There’s no ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics or cave painting that’s made it down through the ages.
It seems easy to me to figure out when the first dad joke was.
When was the first dad?
Let’s not overthink this. Men today aren’t that different from men thousands of years ago.
Somewhere back then a dad had a funny idea as he was hunting Mastodons and thought to himself I can’t wait to get home and tell my kids.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
My wife is always giving me a hard time about my bad sense of direction. So I packed my things and right.
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find anything on the web.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well if you didn’t, I’m certainly not going to spread it.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
My friend said what rhymes with orange. I said no it doesn’t.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
Cashier – Sir, you would you like your milk in the bag? Me – No just leave it in the carton.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Where do cats learn to clean themselves? At a Cat Lick school.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom Broom.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one-night stand.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
Why do bananas need to use sunscreen? Because they peel.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store? Billie Jeans.
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills? Tyrannosaurus Checks.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
What happens when a frog’s car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
When does a sandwich cook? When it’s bakin-lettuce and tomato.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a man who never toots in public? A private tooter.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What does an annoying pepper do? It gets jalapeno face.
The 3 unwritten rules of life…
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
Me: I got you a dictionary for your birthday. My son: Gee Dad, I don’t know what to say. Me: That’s why I got it for you.
I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
How do you organize a space party? You planet
What airlines did Jesus and Mary take? Virgin.
What’s the foot’s favorite type of chips? Dori-toes.
What do you call a lazy doctor? Dr. DoLittle.
Where would you grow a chef? Bakersfield.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
My math teacher called me average. How mean.
No matter how much you push an envelope it will still be stationary.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
What do you call it when a group of crows makes plans to hang out? Premeditated Murder.
My wife is divorcing me because I keep telling her jokes with no punchline.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna-One, Anna-Two.
Do you know why snakes can’t play Jenga? Because they don’t have hands.
Have you heard about the movie Constipation? It’s not out yet.
I wish velcro was cheaper. It’s such a rip-off.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
What kind of pasta gets locked out of its house? Gnocchi.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Is this stool taken.”
What do you call a dwarf psychic that just escaped prison? A small medium at large.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
When I was young I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. then I was born.
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
Want to build an Ark? I Noah guy.
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: “Paper or plastic?” DAD: “Either, I’m bisacktual.”
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
A man asks the librarian if she has any books about paranoia. She says yes, they’re right behind you.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide Pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.
I detest jokes about student debt. They never pay off.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
The creator of the knock-knock joke should get a Nobel prize.
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” The second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
Why do mermaids wear sea-shells? A: Because b-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, “Ribbit, ribbit” and a horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”